So, I hear you guys down in the States are having some troubles. It seems there’s a couple of people who think maybe there was something sketchy about the recent election. Well, I don’t claim to be an expert on politics or anything, but being Canadian and having a front-row seat to all the nonsense going on, I’ve had a few thoughts on the matter.
I don’t know what rules you Americans have for things, but here in Canada, if you want to do something that could potentially put your life or the lives of others in jeopardy, like, say, drive heavy machinery, sit on a jury, or ride an amusement park ride, there are certain tests that you need to pass – like proving your ability to read street signs, that you’re not prejudiced against any particular group of people, or that you exceed a certain height. This makes a lot of sense to me.
However, in order to vote in an election, it seems all you have to do is survive, nay, subsist to the ripe old age of 18 years. This does not seem like enough criteria to meet in order to contribute to life-altering decisions that affect an entire nation. So, here is what I propose.
*Please note that in order to make the voting process seem even more American, and also to capitalize on potential profits raised through advertising, I suggest the proceedings be televised, in a “Survivor” sort of manner, with the actual vote being kept secret until the end, of course, but with highlights being edited in, a blooper reel, etc. The profits could be used to provide universal health care or maybe to open more strip malls.
THE AMERICAN VOTING GAUNTLET
In order to vote, a person would have to pass a series of tests, increasing in difficulty until they are finally deemed worthy of casting a ballot.
These tests would include:
IQ test (just the short form – I’m not a monster). In order to be eligible to vote, a citizen would have to prove that their IQ was sufficiently high enough to allow them to know the difference between Obamacare and the Affordable Care Act. (HAH! Trick question! I know, right? But seriously.)
Sobriety test. Yes, I know the drinking age in the US is 21 and the voting age is 18 (and we Canadians have been laughing over this for years). But in the first place, everyone knows no one pays attention to the legal drinking age, and in the second, even if you’re of legal drinking age, you should not be allowed to vote drunk. I mean, if I voted drunk, I’d be writing in my dog on the ballot. Which wouldn’t exactly be the worst president you guys have ever had, but it might get noisy at dinnertime. ANYWAY… If you manage to touch your nose and whatnot, you move on to the next test.
Voir Dire. Potential voters will be questioned by lawyers representing the parties running for office, testing for bias and mental fitness. Each side will have a set number of peremptory challenges to dismiss without cause (for example, a Republican legal team could choose to strike someone for no other reason than having non-white ethnicity, but only a certain number of times, because they would want to save some of those strikes for, say, women who are educated or those damn atheists). However, a deciding party (a judge) will be able to dismiss a citizen with cause, the causes being things like obvious racism or batshit-craziness.
In the final phase, citizens will be approached by an undercover agent posing as a Russian diplomat who will offer financial compensation of an undisclosed amount in exchange for voting for a particular party. Those who accept the bribe will immediately be deemed unworthy of the vote, regardless of any previous successful test results, and will be sent home without a cookie.
And key to this is that, if the presidential hopefuls don’t also pass these tests, they should no longer be permitted to be on the ballot.
So, in the end, if there is anyone left to vote for after these challenges are administered, you guys might end up okay after all.
Sounds like a lot of work, though, right? (Are you sure you can’t just bring back Obama?)
Anyway, best of luck to ya. Feel free to use this model in your next election (in, you know, three or four weeks or whatever).