Well, as some of you know, I just leveled up. Not quite to where the Final Boss is lurking around the next corner, but things are definitely getting dicier. (“Dicier”, get it? You won’t unless you’re old enough to have started your gaming career with D&D, like me. We didn’t have video games back then.)
I was recently told by a tall, blonde
asshole millennial that I was “borderline ID-able” and while it initially made my year, the moment I revealed my true age, my hair instantly turned white, my back hunched, and my joints began to ache. So, it is because of this that I will not divulge the number here.
But I will give you some hints.
THIS is how old I am:
I AM… my contact lenses are bifocal…YEARS OLD.
I AM… I give serious thought to whether I’m going to pick that up or whether that’s its new home because of my knees…YEARS OLD.
I AM… I remember an internet-less world and we just played with sticks and rocks…YEARS OLD.
I AM… it amazes me when people in their twenties marry and reproduce because, my god, they are barely out of diapers themselves…YEARS OLD.
I AM… nursing homes are starting to sound good because hey, someone to clean and cook for you? What’s not to like?… YEARS OLD.
I AM… if you call me “ma’am” one more time, I’m going to punch you in the head…YEARS OLD.
I AM… what do you mean, I can’t get tapes for my Walkman anymore?… YEARS OLD.
I AM… the old people I see at the mall went to school with me…YEARS OLD.
I AM… how can you be a grandparent – you’re the same age as me… YEARS OLD.
I AM… we are truly approaching Armageddon because have you heard what the kids are listening to these days?… YEARS OLD.
I AM… I feel like a paedophile when I discover the true age of the hot guy I was admiring…YEARS OLD.
I AM… “cougar” sounds better than “paedophile”… YEARS OLD.
I AM… I found a white eyebrow hair the other day, so I’m apparently turning into Gandalf… YEARS OLD.
I AM… how did I ever live without air conditioning in my car or a space heater by my desk?…YEARS OLD.
I AM… I will likely have no usable organs left to donate by the time I croak…YEARS OLD.
I AM… “Spinster Life” is the new “Thug Life”… YEARS OLD.
So, now you know. If you’re lucky, you’ll be this old someday, too (so take care of your teeth and invest your money).