Okay, first off, lemme just say…I’ve never been much of a believer. Mumbo-jumbo blah-de-blah whatever.
But you know what? I’ve had a revelation. There really is something out there. I have PROOF.
I also know that whatever this Higher Power is…whether he/she/it is a single entity or a collective consciousness or a bunch of electromagnetic energy hovering in the ether… Whatever it is ~
It’s an ASSHOLE AND HAS A SICK SENSE OF HUMOUR.
I know this, because:
I bought a convertible and a mountain bike.
AND IT HAS BEEN RAINING EVER SINCE!!!!!
But I am a reasonable person. I am a happy person. I am nothing if not resourceful. I could survive on a desert island. So I will not allow this to slow me down. I will forge ahead, I will smile, I will adapt.
Thus, I have a plan and my plan is thus:
Commencing at approximately 0800 hours tomorrow, I shall begin the process of dismantling Spike the Bike as the initial step in converting Skipper the Geo Tracker into an amphibious pedal-powered sailing vessel.
Next, I shall replace Skipper’s gas/brake/clutch pedals with pedals harvested from Spike, applying waterproof seals as required. These pedals will power the propellor which I shall create from scrap metal scored from the now-redundant fuel tank, thus also making Skipper an eco-friendly transportation choice and possibly bringing world-wide renown and a documentary collaboration with Leonardo DiCaprio. This propellor will also be of a daisy-shaped design so that it is pretty.
Tires from Spike shall be revamped to act as emergency flotation devices in the event of a man-overboard situation.
Should the rain ever cease (hah), my work shall not be in vain, as Skipper’s canvas roof will be transformed to act both as a shelter during inclement weather and also as a sail should the sun ever decide to appear.
I shall use my subliminal psychic powers and my innate sense of cool to convince the rest of the world that frizzy hair is as awesome as it gets.
I will pretend that I am Holly Golightly in the final scene of Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Being wet is poignant, endearing, dramatic and poetic.
I will also commence construction of a massive rainbarrel to collect and filter our clean(ish) Canadian rain, which I will then sell to the Americans as drinking water at an outrageously marked-up price.
So go ahead, Ye Gods. Melt the icecaps. Destroy the levees. Bring it on. I can take you.
This is only the beginning.
