Why I Should Be the Next Lara Croft

It has been some time since the release of the last Tomb Raider film, and I’ve been thinking it’s about time for another. 

Now, men have James Bond, right?  James Bond will never get old, he will never die.  And you don’t have to be a great actor to play him.  You just have to be really, really cool. 

I would like to propose this sort of immortality for the Lara Croft series.  Let’s face it, Angelina ain’t gettin’ any younger.  Yes, I know that I am actually a couple of years older than Angelina, but she has six kids and has spent a lot of time under the African sun.  That’s gotta age you prematurely – I don’t care if you are having sex with Brad Pitt.  I, on the other hand, am childless and wear sunscreen religiously, so I think my time has come to assume the title.

This is not just about my own desires.  There are a multitude of reasons why I am the most logical choice.  I AM Lara Croft.  Observe.

  • I skydive.  I can ride a motorcycle.  I have dangled from the wings of planes by a single hand.  I can ride a horse.  I. HAVE. NO. FEAR.  Thus, I can do my own stunts and can save the studio a ton of cash.
  • Angelina’s chest was padded in the movies.  I have naturally big boobs.  Again, saving the studio a fortune.
  • Lara Croft does a lot of martial arts.  I very much enjoy doing tai bo.  And I lived with a Chinese guy for a really long time.  I also watched a lot of Kung Fu as a kid.
  • If I ever owned a huge English manor, I too would have a gymnasium full of bungee cords in my foyer. 
  • Interest in archeology.  I took Intro. Soc. in university…  Oh!  And I read National Geographic a LOT.
  • I went through a phase in high school where I wore jodpurs a lot.
  • I, too, have nerdy friends who are good with computers and gadgets.
  • I would never be fooled, either, by cute Irish guys with blue eyes and crooked smiles.  I am far too clever for that.
  • I also like pretty, shiny objects and treasure.
  • My extensive experience with playing video games assures me that I have excellent reflexes and would make an expert marksman.

I’m sure there are many, many more points to consider, but I think it’s obvious from the above that there is no better choice for Angie’s replacement. 

I’ll be waiting to hear from my agent.  😀


Published in: on November 1, 2008 at 3:12 am  Comments (2)  
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