Debauchery Prep List (or…how to drink your ass off and still be alive in the morning)

As we get older, we grow…uh…wiser.  Yeah, that’s it.

Thus, I have come up with a simple checklist to allow someone to continue to party like it’s 1999, while avoiding the…snags that can occasionally accompany partying like it’s 1999.  Which, incidentally, without giving away my age, I was actually able to do in 1999 without breaking any underage-drinking laws.  Whatever. 

1.   The Post-It.   Prior to engaging in drinking activities, it is important to leave reminders for yourself, lest the memory begin to fail in the wee hours, under the influence of…whatever.  (Whatever.)  

Suggestions: 

  • a post-it on the bathroom mirror reminding you of the early-morning meeting that you really shouldn’t blow off.  (It may be helpful to place one of these on the inside of the toilet lid, too, just in case.)
  • a post-it on the telephone which reads something along the lines of “DON’T DO IT!!!” (referencing, of course, the infamous drunk-dial.  Never a good idea.)
  • a similar post-it (only larger…much, much larger) on the computer.  (The reason for the larger size being that the results of drunk emails/blog posts/Facebooking are potentially much more detrimental, due to the fact that while slurred speech might be forgiven and forgotten, things in writing are forever.  And trust me, while you might think your spelling is okay while inebriated…it isn’t.  Trust me on this.)

2.  Staging.  The most important setting is your bedroom.  There are many reasons for this (see #3 and 4), but the most important one is…hangover prevention.  This is why you will place the following items on your bedside table:

  • a large vessel of water; drinking glass optional
  • a large vessel of oral analgesics (something coated is nice)
  • a dark sleep mask (trust me – the sun, while fun to watch coming up, will burn like,…well, the sun, once the liquor wears off)
  • a bucket (again, just in case)

3.  Protection.  Okay, first of all, I know you are not a slut.  I do.  But let’s just think outside the box.  Let’s just say, you are hijacked en route to your home at a not-unreasonable hour by, oh, I don’t know, a sexy vampire who deeply resembles Johnny Depp, and he mesmerizes you with his supernatural gaze and you end up home in bed with the dude.  The last thing you need to worry about are sexually/blood-transmitted diseases and/or half-demon spawn.  Thus, condoms.  Place them strategically.  Suggested locations:

  • on your pillow; use tape
  • on the other pillow; just in case
  • scatter a few across the bed and under the covers, just for good measure
  • within reaching distance of the sofa, the dining room table, the lawn furniture, the bathroom counter
  • taped to your forehead if you hang with a liberal crowd who won’t judge
  • if you happen to have a pair of those funky little panties with the built-in condom pocket, by all means go for it; under no circumstances, however, do I recommend using duct tape anywhere in that area

4.  Sexy stuff.  You are not a slut, and do not intend to end up in bed with someone, but if you do, do you really want them seeing what you really wear around the house?  Put out the slinky V.S. robe and the cute tap pants/cami set for the morning.  Just because you are hung over is no reason to let yourself go.

5.  Place your phone on its charger so you can phone your best friend in the morning to commiserate/make plans for breakfast.  Make sure not to dislodge any previously placed post-its.

6.  Food.  Nothing staves off a potential hangover like a late-night snack.  If you are really together, you could try ordering a pizza ahead of time and leave it near the bed to be ready to be consumed cold just prior to pass-out.  I do, however, realize this requires a great deal of foresight.  Therefore, it may be prudent to simply stock up on an emergency supply of quick fixin’s.  Recommended:  Chef Boyardee, Mr. Noodle, or anything in the toast family.

7.  Danger Prevention.  Give away, hide, or bury your car keys.  I’m serious about this one.  It is altogether too tempting to careen homeward under your own steampower when Prince Charming gets toadish or you just feel the need to crash.  (Macabre pun intended)  If you lean toward accident-prone, you may want to move any really pointy furniture well out of the way and maybe lock the cat in a safe room.

8. And finally, it is highly recommended that you tell your mother in advance that you will be out of town and out of cell phone range for the next 48 hours on very important business.  Because nothing harshes your mellow like a hangover migraine being split open by your mom’s insistent voice wondering why you haven’t called her in the past two days.

This list is an ever-evolving entity, so by no means consider it complete or written in stone.  Feel free to apply any modifications you deem necessary (and if found to be highly successful, it is expected that you shall not be stingy and shall share in kind).  Stay tuned for updates. 

Play safe, designate a driver, and have one (or six) for me.

Published in: on October 2, 2008 at 4:01 pm  Comments (7)  
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On the Courting Rituals of the Male Maritimer*

A few tips for you gents:

  •  Find out if the girl you are trying to woo is a vegetarian or not before attempting to impress her with your hunting prowess.  This includes bird hunting, deer hunting or (seriously, I mean, come on) BEAR hunting.
  • It is not cool to park in a girl’s driveway at three in the morning with your lights off, trying to look in her bedroom window.
  • If a girl very politely tells you that she is not interested, please do not phone her 800 times a day, every day for three months, trying to convince her otherwise.  Because then her best friend will get sick of hearing about it and will hunt you down and kick your ass.  She really will.
  • An invitation should consist of more than two words.  It’s just lazy – and that does not bode well for the sex.  If you must use only two words, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of choosing those two words very carefully.  Again, come on.  Seriously. 
  • Try not to get so drunk while getting ready for a date that you pass out on your kitchen floor and miss the date altogether.  Three times in a row.  You’re really just not that cute.  Trust me on this.
  • Try to vary the vegetation you bring the girl as a gift.  While a baggie full of weed is very thoughtful, every now and then you could shake it up and bring, say, flowers or  a nice potted plant.
  • Spell-check.  Use it.   

*  This article is purely hypothetical and any resemblance to men that the author has dated, messed around with, had one-night stands with or has merely been stalked by is entirely coincidental.

Published in: on July 29, 2008 at 9:01 pm  Comments (4)  
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