The Caffeine-Fiend Within

Here in Canada, our most popular coffee shop is Tim Horton’s.  It’s sort of like the Canadian version of Starbucks – except far cheaper, far more potent (it is rumoured they spike the coffee with crack), and not nearly as classy (lots of brown and orange by way of colour scheme).  They have this contest every year called “Roll-Up-the-Rim-to-Win”, which gets everyone in these parts pretty excited.

Now, I don’t normally drink coffee.  I’m a pretty hyper chick and well, let’s just say…it’s not really required. 

I knew it was a bad idea when I came to work jacked up on caffeine after being tempted by the promise of winning a car or a big-screen tv, and my boss turned to one of my co-workers and said, “It’s Roll-Up-The-Rim time.  You know what that means, don’t you?” 

I paused in my chugging to listen:

“We’re going to have to put up with Drea on coffee for the next two weeks.” 

But still, to be truthful, I didn’t usually actually drink the coffee.  I would take a sip or two and then dump it from impatience to find out if I’d scored anything (and all I ever scored was – surprise! – a free coffee.)

No, up until about a month ago, I was a caffeine-free entity, if you don’t count the ballet years.  But I wouldn’t really classify the sludge sold for 35 cents a cup by the theatre school office as coffee.  No, I was all about the herbal tea.  Or if I was feeling particularly wild, a cup of Earl Grey while I was out for breakfast with a friend.

A month ago, I happened to be suffering from a slight sleep deficit and was wandering down the gourmet coffee aisle in the grocery store, where I’d never been before. 

WELL!   Who knew?  Who knew.  Seriously.  I was mesmerized by the smell!  The names!  It was an assault on my senses…images of chocolate, hazelnuts, vanilla, berries and citrus fruits and spices….

I couldn’t take it – I had to try it.  

It started out innocently enough…a nice pack of freshly ground hazelnut cream.  The buzz was extraordinary.  I couldn’t believe I’d been preaching the evils of caffeine for so long!  (And yes, I am aware of the hypocrisy of someone who enjoys her liquor as much as I do preaching about healthy lifestyle choices.  Whatever.)  With this kind of energy, I might be able to forego sleep altogether!  Think of all I could accomplish!!

Well, let me tell you, friends.  It didn’t take long.

The office where I work received a huge gift basket for Christmas…filled with caffeine-based products.  When the original hazelnut ran out, I cautiously reached out…thinking that there was no way any of these others would live up to my initial hit.

Within mere weeks, I was experimenting.  Combining products.  Mixing up speedballs of cappucino spiked with liberal spoonfuls of the ol’ Instant Sanka, just to see what would happen. 

Ibegantalkinglikethis.  I needed more and more just to get high.  Life would never be the same.  World domination was practically within my grasp!!

Now I need to get my hands on some of these chocolate-covered coffee beans I’ve been hearing so much about.  I don’t think it could get much better than that, really.  I may orgasm.

On the Importance of Always Remaining Just a Bit Out of Touch With Reality

A girl is alone in a small emergency dispatch office.  It is the middle of the night.  She signs off on the radio with a firefighter returning home after a call and stands to stretch her legs.

As she waits for water to boil for her second cup of coffee of the night, she throws open the window and leans out over the windowbox to breathe in the clean night air.  The world is still.  She rests her chin on her hands and sighs, gazing at the sky and thinking big thoughts about life, love, and polar bears.  She likes the old window with its flowerbox, because it makes her feel vaguely French.  In a few hours, she will lean out again to watch the sun rise, as she does every morning.  Soon she will have a hot, sweet cup of hazelnut cream coffee.  Life is good and she is at peace.

A voice penetrates the darkness.

“No!  Fuck YOU, asshole!!!”

Another Friday night in Bridgewater.


Published in: on November 8, 2008 at 3:36 am  Comments (5)  
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