Higher Power, My Ass

Okay, first off, lemme just say…I’ve never been much of a believer.  Mumbo-jumbo blah-de-blah whatever.

But you know what?  I’ve had a revelation.  There really is something out there.  I have PROOF.

I also know that whatever this Higher Power is…whether he/she/it is a single entity or a collective consciousness or a bunch of electromagnetic energy hovering in the ether…  Whatever it is ~


I know this, because:

I bought a convertible and a mountain bike.


But I am a reasonable person.  I am a happy person.  I am nothing if not resourceful.  I could survive on a desert island.  So I will not allow this to slow me down.  I will forge ahead, I will smile, I will adapt.

Thus, I have a plan and my plan is thus:

Commencing at approximately 0800 hours tomorrow, I shall begin the process of dismantling Spike the Bike as the initial step in converting Skipper the Geo Tracker into an amphibious pedal-powered sailing vessel. 

Next, I shall replace Skipper’s gas/brake/clutch pedals with pedals harvested from Spike, applying waterproof seals as required.  These pedals will power the propellor which I shall create from scrap metal scored from the now-redundant fuel tank, thus also making Skipper an eco-friendly transportation choice and possibly bringing world-wide renown and a documentary collaboration with Leonardo DiCaprio.  This propellor will also be of a daisy-shaped design so that it is pretty.

Tires from Spike shall be revamped to act as emergency flotation devices in the event of a man-overboard situation. 

Should the rain ever cease (hah), my work shall not be in vain, as Skipper’s canvas roof will be transformed to act both as a shelter during inclement weather and also as a sail should the sun ever decide to appear.

I shall use my subliminal psychic powers and my innate sense of cool to convince the rest of the world that frizzy hair is as awesome as it gets. 

I will pretend that I am Holly Golightly in the final scene of Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  Being wet is poignant, endearing, dramatic and poetic. 

I will also commence construction of a massive rainbarrel to collect and filter our clean(ish) Canadian rain, which I will then sell to the Americans as drinking water at an outrageously marked-up price.

So go ahead, Ye Gods.  Melt the icecaps.  Destroy the levees.  Bring it on.  I can take you.


This is only the beginning.

Published in: on August 29, 2008 at 4:52 am  Leave a Comment  
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Upside/Down In The Small Town

From the city...

From city...


...to small town

...to small town








I’ve been catching a crapload of crap from my nearest and dearest lately for leaving the City. 

You have to understand – I was a City girl all my life…even when I wasn’t a City girl.  Born in the City, raised in the boonies, I spent most of my teen years scratching the days into the wall of the cell my parents liked to call a bedroom, dreaming of returning to the City of my birth and never coming back. 

And boy, lemme tellya – the day I graduated, I hit the ground running.  I was 17 and on my own – WOO HOO!  (Well, unless you count Student Aid…but that’s a whole ‘nother story altogether – one that involves numerous undercover identities, artificial accents when answering the telephone, and a possible future one-way trip to Mexico.  Because imagine my delight when I discovered you could get financial assistance from the government to study acting! )  Oh, yeah – I held the world in my hand, I did.

So I moved to the City.  And there I took root, made friends, got a fabulous – if convoluted – education, found love, partied HARD.  Until one day, those roots were torn up (by – what else – a guy) and I was whisked away on a cross-Canada adventure that wound up landing me, like a backward Dorothy, back in my hometown.

Well, after an adjustment period that only took about, oh, five years or so, it turns out I kinda dig it here!  Colour me stunned. 

Now I’m gonna tell you why and you’re all gonna stop bugging my ass about it, ‘kay?  Listen up.

Living in a small town:


UPSIDE:   Traffic – the lack thereof.  With the exception of the 10 minute period around the shift changes at the local tire factory (yeah, I know…see ‘Downsides’ below), you can run out to the store to buy chips and be back before the ads are over.  With gas prices the way they are and my patience being what it is, this one really rocks!  I mean it.  Last time I was in the City, it took me 45 minutes to get from the highway to my friend’s house four streets over.  I was transformed into a 5-foot-tall bucket of road rage in a peasant blouse…which really fucked with my whole granola persona.  Nothing pisses me off more than letting myself get pissed off.

DOWNSIDE:  Yeah, no – there really is no downside to this one.  Sorry, I tried. 


DOWNSIDE:  No fancy, expensive hair salons.

UPSIDE:  The first time I got a haircut here, I was really nervous…though it’s only hair, a renewable resource and all that…I wasn’t sure what to expect.  But…I was thrilled with the result and went to pay, pulling out my credit cards, not caring how many years it would take me to pay it off because I looked so damn fine.  Guess how much?  Come on, seriously, guess.  ELEVEN DOLLARS.  *stupified gaping stare*  I was expecting something like three hundred, like I paid in the City.  The poor hairdresser kept trying to give me back the change from the fifty I gave her because I was so friggin’ thrilled at the bargain I was getting.  It totally made both of our days.


DOWNSIDE:  People here have never heard of organic produce.

UPSIDE:  That’s because it’s ALL organic!  I buy my produce at a local farm market, where 10 bucks gets you a carload (I am NOT kidding) of the most delicious, pesticide/herbicide-free fruits and veggies you’ve ever tasted.  And the family that run the farm are super-nice.  When I was there yesterday, they were giving out slices of watermelon for the road.  Who does that???  And I buy my eggs for 2 bucks a dozen from a lady who delivers TO MY DOOR.  Sometimes the eggs are still warm…from hens that I know for a FACT actually ARE runnin’ around happily in a yard, not cooped up beakless in a wire cage somewhere.  And you’ve never tasted eggs like these – they are like butter.  They’re responsible for making me the crappy vegan that I am. 


DOWNSIDE:  Fewer banks to choose from.

UPSIDE:  My bank serves cookies.  Every day.  I kid you not.  And coffee.  Free.  On warm days, it’s lemonade.  On busy days, like pension-cheque day, they get fancy with little petit-fours from the local bakery.  And they put all this on a long table that runs alongside where people line up, so you don’t even have to go out of your way for a treat. 

It’s also pretty sweet that when you lose your bank card (okay, when I lose my bank card), I don’t even need to show ID to get a new one, because they already know who I am (and not just because of my student loans).


DOWNSIDE:  My best friends’ boxy, white, but very expensive apartments are very, very far away.

UPSIDE:  I have a charming flat in an old Victorian mansion, with a fireplace, hardwood floors, bay windows, a deck overlooking the water, free parking, a huge garden-filled yard with an old-wood forest in back that is full of amazing wildlife, where I am allowed to paint the walls any colour I please and have as many pets as I want.  All this for less than I paid for a bug-infested room 20 years ago as a student in the City.  And I was only required to sign a one-year lease (“Just until we get to know each other,” my landlord shrugged as I signed).  That lease expired two years ago and I’ve never been asked to sign anything since.  

The view from my deck

The view from my deck


DOWNSIDE:  Everyone knows everyone.  You can’t sneeze without everyone knowing about it.

UPSIDE:  Everyone knows everyone.  You don’t screw with people, ’cause they know where you live.  (And if they don’t, their uncle/cousin/mother’s minister’s niece does.)  This has a direct effect on the crime rate – people don’t lock their cars or their doors around here and my bike has been sitting on my deck for months, unlocked.  I had four bicycles stolen when I was in the City.  (Though seeing that in writing kind of makes me embarassed to admit that.  Perhaps I should have reconsidered my security measures a little harder…but anyway.  Shut up.)


DOWNSIDE:  There is nothing to spend your money on.  Restaurants are all dark by 9 pm.  I have to drive at least 100 km to get a stinking falafel. 

UPSIDE:  There is nothing to spend your money on.  And this means your cost of living is waaaay less.  Your car breaks down?  Dude up the street’ll fix it at a discount and tax-free…if you pay cash and don’t need a receipt – “Just the right amount to take the missus out tonight for fish and chips like she wanted.”  That is, of course, if buddy next door hasn’t already noticed the car was making a funny sound when you drove it in last night and took it upon himself to ‘take a look’ this morning before you got up.


DOWNSIDE:  All the men in town with jobs seem to work at the tire plant.

UPSIDE:  Cheap winter tires.  Duh.


DOWNSIDE:  You have to get your car rust-checked more often, because of ALL.  THE.  FRESH.  SALT.  AIR.  (Yeah.  Bummer.)

UPSIDE:  Do I need to say it?  *sigh*  Alright.  BEACH!!!!!  Right over there!!!  (And there is so much OXYGEN!  I had no idea that air could taste so good!  I didn’t even realize I’d been breathing smog ’til I moved away!)


DOWNSIDE:  The town is so smaaaaalllllllll!  There’s nothing to it!

UPSIDE:  You can walk anywhere you want in 20 minutes or less.  Don’t wanna walk?  Six bucks’ll get you a cab ride anywhere within town limits.  That includes the tip.


DOWNSIDE:  Hardly any metered parking.

UPSIDE:  That’s because there are huge FREE parking lots everywhere you look!  In the City, I paid damn near as much for parking as my hourly wages.  Which meant, most of the time, leaving the car at home and taking *ugh* public transportation.


DOWNSIDE:  The nightlife/club scene?  BAAAHHAhhahaaaahahaahaa!!!  Country music and tube tops.  ‘Nuff said.

UPSIDE:  The night life.  Stars.  You can actually see stars at night.  Swear to god.  When I first came back here, I would stand for hours like a mouth-breather in the middle of my yard staring up at the sky going, “But…what are those tiny lights in the distance?  They seem familiar somehow, yet….”



So yeah, okay – I miss ethnic food.  I miss racial diversity.  I miss art, films, dance, music that isn’t karaoke.  I miss my City friends.  God, I really miss the food…did I mention the falafel situation?

But the point is – suck it up, guys.  I’m not coming back to the City until you all stop whining about your outrageous rents, the traffic and the noise.

Of course, a girl’s gotta get her ya-yas out from time to time and the City really is only an hour away, so I am encouraging all of you to remain there so I have a place to crash when said ya-yas come callin’.  Please have falafels and blender drinks ready.

I have to go eat cookies do some banking now.

Published in: on August 26, 2008 at 12:11 pm  Leave a Comment  
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