Life Lessons

In the spirit of the New Year that is coming, I have been reviewing my life thus far.

Over the years, I have had many incarnations and with each one, I have learned many valuable lessons which I feel it only right to share.  I know how you live for my advice and wisdom.

Here are a few of the things I’ve learned, broken down by era:

The Actress Days

If you accidentally fall on stage and later the director praises you for your creative acting choice and excellent stunt abilities, smile modestly and take the credit.  Tell people you are ‘method.’

Don’t ask every other actor you see if your ass looks okay.  You’ll sound like a wanker.

When you show up for an audition and they ask you how old you are, say, “How old did my agent say I was?”

Stage kisses are just that.  Stage kisses. No need for off-stage rehearsals.

The Rave Days

Dancing too hard for hours and hours = Overheated = Taking off shirt on dance floor to cool off  and dumping water over head = FREE BEER!

People in country-western bars do not appreciate when a couple of punkish club kids crash the party and try to mosh in the middle of a line-dance.

Don’t panic when your feet leave the floor in the mosh pit.  This is the safest place to be.

Don’t immediately write off the cute guy who buys you roses and wants to go out with you, just because he is currently living in his car and working as an Elvis impersonator.  He may be the lead singer of INXS one day.

Being asked to be the keyboardist in an all-guy band is not really an insult, despite the glaringly obvious fact that you are just the token female, because you don’t really play keyboard all that well.  Just enjoy the attention.  One day you will be old and boring.

The Neuroscience Days

Being a brain surgeon does not necessarily mean you are sane.

A major final research project can indeed be carried out and written up in a single 24-hour session.

If you are in a class of only 8 people and choose to sit in a seat in the top far corner of a 200-seat auditorium because it happens to be the only left-handed seat, be well-prepared because the professor will inevitably assume you are a slack-ass and will call on you repeatedly.

If your Abnormal Psych professor dresses like Madonna circa 1984, you may want to consider switching to another class that fulfills your clinical requirement.

The Artist Days

Artists who claim to need expensive paints and brushes are wankers.  Don’t waste your money.  A decent artist could create a painting with nothing but pocket lint if they wanted to.  And they have.

Use artistic license.  Make people look prettier.  If people wanted stark reality, they would just take a photo.  That being said, don’t make them look too much better or everyone will know you’re full of shit.

The Extreme Sports Days

ALWAYS listen to your skydiving instructor.  Unless he’s been smoking pot.  Then you may want to take a quick glance through your skills manual on the flight up to altitude.

The insurance company will not insure you if you tell them the truth about your hobbies.

Sunscreen.  Always.

Invest in a belt chain for your cell phone when jumping out of airplanes.

When approaching large groups of teenagers on the trail when barreling along at high speeds on your mountain bike, yell at them to get out of the way well in advance if you don’t feel like stopping, because they.  will.  not.  move.  voluntarily.

Next time:  The Skater Years (or How to Figure Skate Without Becoming Tonya Harding or That Other Chick);  The Rubik’s Cube Years; and The Martha Years (or Who The Hell Are You and What Have You Done With Drea???)

Why I Should Be the Next Lara Croft

It has been some time since the release of the last Tomb Raider film, and I’ve been thinking it’s about time for another. 

Now, men have James Bond, right?  James Bond will never get old, he will never die.  And you don’t have to be a great actor to play him.  You just have to be really, really cool. 

I would like to propose this sort of immortality for the Lara Croft series.  Let’s face it, Angelina ain’t gettin’ any younger.  Yes, I know that I am actually a couple of years older than Angelina, but she has six kids and has spent a lot of time under the African sun.  That’s gotta age you prematurely – I don’t care if you are having sex with Brad Pitt.  I, on the other hand, am childless and wear sunscreen religiously, so I think my time has come to assume the title.

This is not just about my own desires.  There are a multitude of reasons why I am the most logical choice.  I AM Lara Croft.  Observe.

  • I skydive.  I can ride a motorcycle.  I have dangled from the wings of planes by a single hand.  I can ride a horse.  I. HAVE. NO. FEAR.  Thus, I can do my own stunts and can save the studio a ton of cash.
  • Angelina’s chest was padded in the movies.  I have naturally big boobs.  Again, saving the studio a fortune.
  • Lara Croft does a lot of martial arts.  I very much enjoy doing tai bo.  And I lived with a Chinese guy for a really long time.  I also watched a lot of Kung Fu as a kid.
  • If I ever owned a huge English manor, I too would have a gymnasium full of bungee cords in my foyer. 
  • Interest in archeology.  I took Intro. Soc. in university…  Oh!  And I read National Geographic a LOT.
  • I went through a phase in high school where I wore jodpurs a lot.
  • I, too, have nerdy friends who are good with computers and gadgets.
  • I would never be fooled, either, by cute Irish guys with blue eyes and crooked smiles.  I am far too clever for that.
  • I also like pretty, shiny objects and treasure.
  • My extensive experience with playing video games assures me that I have excellent reflexes and would make an expert marksman.

I’m sure there are many, many more points to consider, but I think it’s obvious from the above that there is no better choice for Angie’s replacement. 

I’ll be waiting to hear from my agent.  😀

 

Published in: on November 1, 2008 at 3:12 am  Comments (2)  
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