How Old AM I?

Well, as some of you know, I just leveled up.  Not quite to where the Final Boss is lurking around the next corner, but things are definitely getting dicier.  (“Dicier”, get it?  You won’t unless you’re old enough to have started your gaming career with D&D, like me.  We didn’t have video games back then.)

I was recently told by a tall, blonde asshole millennial that I was “borderline ID-able” and while it initially made my year, the moment I revealed my true age, my hair instantly turned white, my back hunched, and my joints began to ache.  So, it is because of this that I will not divulge the number here.

But I will give you some hints.

THIS is how old I am:

I AM… my contact lenses are bifocal…YEARS OLD.

I AM… I give serious thought to whether I’m going to pick that up or whether that’s its new home because of my knees…YEARS OLD.

I AM… I remember an internet-less world and we just played with sticks and rocks…YEARS OLD.

I AM… it amazes me when people in their twenties marry and reproduce because, my god, they are barely out of diapers themselves…YEARS OLD.

I AM… nursing homes are starting to sound good because hey, someone to clean and cook for you?  What’s not to like?… YEARS OLD.

I AM… if you call me “ma’am” one more time, I’m going to punch you in the head…YEARS OLD.

I AM… what do you mean, I can’t get tapes for my Walkman anymore?… YEARS OLD.

I AM… the old people I see at the mall went to school with me…YEARS OLD.

I AM… how can you be a grandparent – you’re the same age as me… YEARS OLD.

I AM… we are truly approaching Armageddon because have you heard what the kids are listening to these days?… YEARS OLD.

I AM… I feel like a paedophile when I discover the true age of the hot guy I was admiring…YEARS OLD.

I AM… “cougar” sounds better than “paedophile”… YEARS OLD.

I AM… I found a white eyebrow hair the other day, so I’m apparently turning into Gandalf… YEARS OLD.

I AM… how did I ever live without air conditioning in my car or a space heater by my desk?…YEARS OLD.

I AM… I will likely have no usable organs left to donate by the time I croak…YEARS OLD.

I AM… “Spinster Life” is the new “Thug Life”… YEARS OLD.


So, now you know.  If you’re lucky, you’ll be this old someday, too (so take care of your teeth and invest your money).



Published in: on August 6, 2017 at 10:16 am  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Sooo, happy birthday? Or…?

    Looking at your “profile” pics, I honestly cannot tell an age. But, there is a dramatic difference between the fresh face with seemingly no makeup and fiery red hair (which I like immensely) and the sort of theater gal with obvious makeup and a hat. The former looks a bit young to play DnD unless you started late in its infamy, like the cast of Community. The latter looks like she might be immersed in such role play as the clever thief/actress.

    I didn’t even know you could get bifocal contact lenses. That doesn’t necessarily determine an age, but it seems docs prescribe such vision tools at or after “middle age.” And, some people have poorer vision at very early ages. So, again, hard to tell.

    Before I analyze every “clue,” I should say I get the feeling you are like me in that you want to gingerly discuss the matter, hoping some kind soul will comfort you in your time of uneasiness and make you warm up to the idea of aging another year. Would that be accurate?

    I have trouble bending at the knees, but it’s not because of age (though I felt something this past weekend). It’s because I seem mentally unable to compel my knees to bend and typically drop whatever is attached to my neck/head. 😛

    Okay, really? You are so old that 20-somethings having kids is too young? Then your provided photos lie (are not current)! Or, you’ve had some serious makeover. Or, you have “the gene.”

    Sooo, you’re not old enough to accept “ma’am;” that kinda narrows it down to a middle earth–er, middle age ballpark.

    I hope I can find the old tapes I made for my Walkman. I didn’t record many; but some recordings would be nice to revisit.

    I’ve seen a rare photo or two of past classmates and was shocked by how they aged…and then realized how little I have lived. Ya ever feel like that prospector in Toy Story 2?

    It’s not what the kids are listening to that can be linked to Armageddon anymore. It’s how movies we grew up with are strangely playing out in reality. It’s how some motivated geeks are turning fiction into frightful modern technology with little regard for responsibility. And, how that technology is slowly stripping future generations–and possibly us older generations–of brain power and social skills. It makes me think of my favorite grade school teachers who insisted upon showing our work on paper instead of using a “smart phone” which we used to call the calculator.

    HA! YES! Ugh! What is wrong with us? There’s some age perspective wires crossed somewhere that denies us the ability to say, “That girl/guy is a minor.” Or, “She/He is too young for me.” And, because of my “poor vision,” I am too afraid to approach just about anyone “attractive.” Instead, I end up having a sibling inform me, “Seriously? That one is way too young, and you should be ashamed of yourself.” Maybe you have failed to “carpe diem” socially, too, and that part of us didn’t age like the rest.

    I can’t technically be a cougar because I’m a guy. But, being a panther sounds okay…but I’m sure others would view that negatively and avoid me.

    White hairs are more often brought upon by extreme stress or a genetic variation that may be linked to the sign Aquarius (who are said to gray/whiten earlier in life, like Steve Martin though I don’t know his sign(s)). Call it wisdom hair. 🙂 Just think. If you have red hair, naturally, and parts turn white, you could at least dress up like a candy cane. 🙂

    I had a patch of white hair on the back of my head for a short time. I was under alooooot of stress at work. It just erased itself with time.

    Teeth and investments? I get the strange image of a dental assistant or pitch woman for a toothpaste company. If reaching “middle age” is a matter of luck, are we not racing back to the days of the Bible when people were lucky to make it past 30?

  2. Wow. That’s quite the comment there, WritingBolt.

    I have no real shame regarding my true age – I was just trying to boost suspense and clearly, I was a raging success. I am currently 46. The reddish-hair pic was about 8 years ago (I’ve been doing this for a while) and the steampunk-party one is about four years ago. For the complete stalking experience, you may check out my Twitter or Facebook pics for my current look. In the Facebook one, you will note how I manipulated the wind to strategically cover any wrinkles. (I’m not sure about my gene pool, but I believe a certain amount of my vigor can be attributed to sunscreen. And virgin unicorn blood.)

  3. Yyyyeaaa…I can be a bit chatty in the eyes of those who don’t appreciate the effort.

    I am not sure I even understand the word shame.

    So, you wanted to stir the mystery pot, get people guessing.

    I should have known the pic on the left was older, er, earlier than present. 😉

    Wait, you’ve been on this site…I shouldn’t talk. I’ve had my account here since 2010.

    That was for a steampunk party? [I’m more intrigued.]

    Ha, for the complete stalker experience. Yes, cuz I was going to ask blood type and for a skin sample, next. 😛 hehe

    I was going to say lighting can do wonders with photography.

    Wait, what? You retain youth/vigor from sunscreen and possess unicorn blood? [I seem to recall you mentioning the unicorn bit once before but forget what it means.] And, I am not sure what real benefit sunscreen might have. I hear avocados, honey and certain oils do wonders.

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