A follow-up to the ever-popular guide: Yoga For Losers
1. Select a suitable CD to create a relaxing environment. Something in the ‘Sounds of Nature’ genre, perhaps.
2. Light a candle.
3. Seat yourself in an open lotus position on your meditation cushion.
4. Take a deep breath and hold it to avoid the odour of expired cat breath as you endure a face-bath. Resolve not to wear the maple-blueberry lip balm next time.
5. Exhale, releasing all tension from your body.
6. Ignore sparks of electricity on your various exposed body parts caused by contact with cat who has just finished rolling around on your new all-vegan faux-leather sofa.
7. Empty your mind and let go of all daily concerns. Focus on texture of fur being repeatedly stroked gently and affectionately across your knee. Find it soothing instead of distracting.
8. Crack an eye and notice that you’ve forgotten to give your 16-year-old blind cat her prescription cat food.
9. Decide to try again tomorrow.
10. Hear Yoda’s voice in your head: “Do or do not – there is no try.’
11. Give up and go play a video game.