TO: Nicholas Sparks c/o Warner Books
1271 Avenue of the Sellouts
New York, NY 10020
Dear Nicholas ~
I have been very busy working on my novel lately, so I haven’t been blogging much. But I am 260 pages into reading your book, A Bend in the Road and it has spurred me to action.
My darling Mr. Sparks – you should know that I am a deeply loyal individual. And I have been on board since I found that crummy, lonely copy of The Notebook in the bargain bin at the local second-hand bookshop way back in the mid-90s – the copy that looked like it had never been read, wallowing in that bin because no one had ever heard of you, the book, or Rachel and Ryan. But I took that little book home and fell in love with it, long before the big shots at Time/Warner. I recommended it to friends, way back when you were still working in pharmaceuticals and hoping to become a writer. I even started buying your books new so that you would receive the royalties.
I read your tips for new writers that you posted on your website. I kept your success story in my head as inspiration. It bothered me a little when you started churning books out as fast as the Kings and the Koontz’, but I still kept you around for nostalgia’s sake.
I even forgave you for your occasional bible-thump and that terrible movie with Mandy Moore.
Yet I find myself having to say this: I want to start seeing other people.
Why, you ask? The answer is simple, my bazillionaire friend.
I am halfway through this novel and I have already been told what specific brand of all-purpose kitchen cleaner the protagonist uses, that he received an application form for a particular credit card in the mail, I’ve been given the history of a particular popular soft drink and the guy’s kid has been taken to a much-loathed fast food joint for a ‘Happy Meal.’ (And unlike you, I won’t be naming names, not even if they do offer to compensate me.)
Now, there are so many levels of ‘fucked’ to this that it is almost impossible to determine where to start. Really, I shouldn’t have to – isn’t it obvious? But I’m on a rant, so I will find a way….
First of all – SERIOUSLY?? Seriously? You really needed that year’s supply of McTakingovertheworld gift certificates that badly? Gosh – I’m so sorry that all those movie deals and bestsellers aren’t enough to feed your family. That really sucks for you. I’m enclosing a donation of 10 bucks because I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU.
Second, if you HAD to sell your soul, could you really not find something better to plug than those particular products and companies? I mean, c’mon! Foods that cause cancer and promote global warming? Chemicals that pollute the water supply and cause birth defects in marine animals? Financial companies that are essentially loan sharks for the uneducated and unsuspecting? Gad. I mean, how about…oh, I don’t know… “Miles kissed her passionately after writing out his monthly cheque for the S.P.C.A…”? Or “He jumped in his enviro-conscious Toyota Prius and sped to the scene”? Jesus, Nicholas.
I mean, with crapola books like Twilight, it wasn’t all that unexpected that the only thing the girl ate before she got turned into a vampire was a single brand of toaster pastries. In fact, the overload of sugar and lack of nutrition seemed rather suiting. But I really expected more from you.
Well, it’s been a good run. I’m really going to miss you – probably more than you miss your soul.
So long, sucka. Enjoy those colas.
Your former fan,
P.S. Seriously, the term ‘all-purpose kitchen cleaner’ really has no place in any novel, of any genre, any time ever in history. Just FYI.