Crap Whose Ass I’m Gonna Kick in 2009

1.  Cords.  Yeah, that’s right.  I’m talking about you, you horrid tangle of discombobulated monsters down by my feet.  Listen up, because I’m about to kick all of your asses.  I’ve done my research.  I’ve been communing with Martha.  I’ve drunk a lot of coffee.  I have purchased a ‘cord closet’ – a glorious piece of fake cherrywood furniture with regularly spaced holes for all of your sorry asses and a sliding panel for access to switch off the power bar that gives you life (see #3).  I’ve made little tags out of little round pieces of card stock, printed neatly with all of your names.  Drea = 1.  Cords =0.

2.  Cordless phones.  (I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.)  So, yeah?  You say you’re going to let your battery die right in the middle of a call from a cute guy?  Yeah?  You collaborated with your homey, the backup cordless so that its battery would mysteriously die at precisely the moment he called back?  HAH!  Sucks to be you.  I’m thinkin’…’cordless’ = ‘spineless’…or something that would make more sense if I wasn’t so buzzed on caffeine, but whatever, ’cause I’m going old school on your ass.  I bought a phone with a cord today. 

3.  Global warming.  Okay, I don’t have anything really clever for this one, I just wanted to point out again that I intend to start being more diligent about saving energy.  And the cord closet thingie is really friggin’ cool.

4.  Time.  I am as well-armed as a 5-foot-tall chick in cute boots can be.  I have:  a wall calendar (which is turned to the correct page, I might add *bow*), a daytimer for my new organized, clean and free-of-stray-LifeSavers purse, brand new pens in assorted cheerful colours (not part of the organization plan.  Part of the ‘make things pretty’ plan) and a new notebook for my extensive to-do list (and it’s pretty).  I have programmed my email account to ping me with reminders of important events.  Look out, 2009.

5.  Inertia.  So, yeah, getting older, eh?  Settling down, huh?  Stagnating in the small town?  HAH!  This is the year of zigs and zags, my friends – you’ll never know which way I’ll go…I’m gonna shake it up.  Go back to school?  Maybe.  Give up all my worldly goods and go live in a hut on the beach in Jamaica?  Possibly.  Swim with the sharks at the Great Barrier Reef?  You never know.  Become an astronaut?  WHY NOT?  I’ll give you settled down.  I’ll give you old.  Up yours, Inertia.


I bet the space shuttle could use some really good cord management.

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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Smart- no resolutions! I have a different way of looking at what you humans call New Year’s resolutions. Visit me at to get another viewpoint on those resolutions…and a champaign bottle full of laughs.

  2. Hahaha, the cord closet sounds both strange and wonderful. So, appliances are placed on top of this piece of furniture with the cords hidden below? Or this is where you put the cords when they misbehave?

    Inertia is a snooty little bastard. A friend of mine once said he was bored with life and I told him to give away everything he had and to live outside in a sleeping bag. He did not take my advice – probably a good move since he has two kids and a wife. But still.

    About global warming, I’ve decided to be less cynical about the future of the world, despite the fact that the news constantly reminds us that humans are barely capable of producing a loaf of bread without fucking everything up enormously.

  3. Wellll, as you are now aware, Chad – it is one thing to BUY the corded phone and another to actually take it out of the box and plug it in. (Which I still haven’t done yet, incidentally. But I will. Really.)


  4. I had no idea they sold corded phones anymore. You should buy a 500 foot cord for your phone just in case.

    I’m taking your advice for the global warming. I have decide to put the door back on the fridge. Sure it adds another second or so every time i open my fridge but I’m saving the planet.

  5. Hey – I bookmarked your blog – I had no idea.

    I miss corded phones. I have many fond memories of the old rotary dial phones, you know, the ones with actual bells inside, that would ring when people called? I loved figdeting with the cord while I was talking.

    I’m old.

  6. […] it’s important to evolve, change, upgrade, improve (or try to, anyway).  And so naturally, New Year’s is a big whoop-de-doo to […]

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