In the spirit of the New Year that is coming, I have been reviewing my life thus far.
Over the years, I have had many incarnations and with each one, I have learned many valuable lessons which I feel it only right to share. I know how you live for my advice and wisdom.
Here are a few of the things I’ve learned, broken down by era:
The Actress Days
If you accidentally fall on stage and later the director praises you for your creative acting choice and excellent stunt abilities, smile modestly and take the credit. Tell people you are ‘method.’
Don’t ask every other actor you see if your ass looks okay. You’ll sound like a wanker.
When you show up for an audition and they ask you how old you are, say, “How old did my agent say I was?”
Stage kisses are just that. Stage kisses. No need for off-stage rehearsals.
The Rave Days
Dancing too hard for hours and hours = Overheated = Taking off shirt on dance floor to cool off and dumping water over head = FREE BEER!
People in country-western bars do not appreciate when a couple of punkish club kids crash the party and try to mosh in the middle of a line-dance.
Don’t panic when your feet leave the floor in the mosh pit. This is the safest place to be.
Don’t immediately write off the cute guy who buys you roses and wants to go out with you, just because he is currently living in his car and working as an Elvis impersonator. He may be the lead singer of INXS one day.
Being asked to be the keyboardist in an all-guy band is not really an insult, despite the glaringly obvious fact that you are just the token female, because you don’t really play keyboard all that well. Just enjoy the attention. One day you will be old and boring.
The Neuroscience Days
Being a brain surgeon does not necessarily mean you are sane.
A major final research project can indeed be carried out and written up in a single 24-hour session.
If you are in a class of only 8 people and choose to sit in a seat in the top far corner of a 200-seat auditorium because it happens to be the only left-handed seat, be well-prepared because the professor will inevitably assume you are a slack-ass and will call on you repeatedly.
If your Abnormal Psych professor dresses like Madonna circa 1984, you may want to consider switching to another class that fulfills your clinical requirement.
The Artist Days
Artists who claim to need expensive paints and brushes are wankers. Don’t waste your money. A decent artist could create a painting with nothing but pocket lint if they wanted to. And they have.
Use artistic license. Make people look prettier. If people wanted stark reality, they would just take a photo. That being said, don’t make them look too much better or everyone will know you’re full of shit.
The Extreme Sports Days
ALWAYS listen to your skydiving instructor. Unless he’s been smoking pot. Then you may want to take a quick glance through your skills manual on the flight up to altitude.
The insurance company will not insure you if you tell them the truth about your hobbies.
Invest in a belt chain for your cell phone when jumping out of airplanes.
When approaching large groups of teenagers on the trail when barreling along at high speeds on your mountain bike, yell at them to get out of the way well in advance if you don’t feel like stopping, because they. will. not. move. voluntarily.
Next time: The Skater Years (or How to Figure Skate Without Becoming Tonya Harding or That Other Chick); The Rubik’s Cube Years; and The Martha Years (or Who The Hell Are You and What Have You Done With Drea???)