Okay, if I have learned one thing about myself in my years as me, it is this: I am completely full of shit. Totally. The instant I apply a label to myself, I will immediately turn right around and behave in a contradictory manner, apparently.
Remember a few blog posts back, when I mentioned how much I hatehatehatehate shopping? Yeah, uh, well…I forgot about TOY SHOPPING!!!
‘Kay, I’m 12. I know. Don’t care.
See, I used to be such a Scrooge. I lived with a guy for 10 years and each year, I would sit on the couch reading a book while he decorated the tree alone. Well, except for the single obligatory ornament that he would actually place in my hand and insist that I hang – which I did. Without taking my eyes off my book.
But see, we didn’t have kids. And none of our friends had kids. We existed in a toyless world. (Unless you count the fraternity bong…which, I guess you could…okay, off-topic, nevermind…)
THEN I dated a guy whose package deal included a six-year-old. Well, forget all the horror stories you hear about stepmoms. Being a stepmom is AWESOME. It’s all about the toys, man. That kid loved me. I had many, many toy-shopping-free years to make up for. He was spoiled rotten.
The first Christmas I had Max in my life, I went totally apeshit. I mean, do you have any idea how cool it is to have every single Lord of the Rings action figure?? Did you know that Aragorn actually swooshes his sword right out of its sheath when you squeeze his legs? Did you know that it’s very, very important for parents to ‘test’ the toys while putting them under the tree for, you know, um, quality control?
And then – THEN – all of my friends’ kids started growing up out of the baby stage and into the toy stage. Oh, be still my heart!
Today…I found…[wait for it]…a Gwen Stefani doll. Yes, it’s true. And a little barn filled with little tiny stuffed farm animals that…[wait for it]…make the appropriate animal sounds when squeezed. And kiddie art stuff – oh! the kiddie art stuff!! *swoon*
And as soon as I’m done playin’ with ’em all, I’ll wrap ’em up.