YOGA FOR LOSERS – AN INTRODUCTION
Begin in mountain pose, feet together, arms at your sides. Feel the breath drop in.
(Shuffle continuously sideways until Cat is discouraged from entwining your feet with feline love.)
Exhale and drop into standing forward bend.
(Ignore Cat now batting at your hair.)
Inhale, then exhale, right foot back and come to all-fours.
(Experience much enthusiastic head-bopping from Cat, who is happy you have finally figured out the proper use of your front legs.)
Breathe. Extend the spine and roll up into mountain pose.
(Sigh of relief for being momentarily away from Cat.)
Swoop down into standing forward bend, right foot back into downward-facing dog.
(Squinch eyes and mouth shut and try not to think about the nostrils while enduring a thorough face-bath from Cat, who seems less than pleased about the name of current position.)
Lower yourself to plank position.
(Briefly break position to remove soft purring form from mat directly beneath you.)
Raise up into cobra pose.
(Briefly break position to remove recently-displaced Cat from its relocation to the small of your back.)
Press back into downward-facing dog.
(Remain focused as you pry open Cat’s jaws to remove your hair from the death-grip. Rub scalp as you wonder if you will have a bald spot.)
Jump into standing forward bend. Raise the arms to mountain position.
(Enjoy once again the freedom of being out of reach of Cat.)
Place right leg against the left in tree pose.
(Scream obscenities and jump around ridiculously after Cat launches itself to land spread-eagled — Garfield-in-a-car-window-style — onto your back in a failed attempt to perch on your shoulder…a cute trick when you taught it to the 2-pound kitten that 20-pound Cat once was.)
Return to tree pose.
(Find your Happy Place and pray the neighbors cannot hear what goes on inside your flat.)