Higher Power, My Ass

Okay, first off, lemme just say…I’ve never been much of a believer.  Mumbo-jumbo blah-de-blah whatever.

But you know what?  I’ve had a revelation.  There really is something out there.  I have PROOF.

I also know that whatever this Higher Power is…whether he/she/it is a single entity or a collective consciousness or a bunch of electromagnetic energy hovering in the ether…  Whatever it is ~

It’s an ASSHOLE AND HAS A SICK SENSE OF HUMOUR.

I know this, because:

I bought a convertible and a mountain bike.

AND IT HAS BEEN RAINING EVER SINCE!!!!!

But I am a reasonable person.  I am a happy person.  I am nothing if not resourceful.  I could survive on a desert island.  So I will not allow this to slow me down.  I will forge ahead, I will smile, I will adapt.

Thus, I have a plan and my plan is thus:

Commencing at approximately 0800 hours tomorrow, I shall begin the process of dismantling Spike the Bike as the initial step in converting Skipper the Geo Tracker into an amphibious pedal-powered sailing vessel. 

Next, I shall replace Skipper’s gas/brake/clutch pedals with pedals harvested from Spike, applying waterproof seals as required.  These pedals will power the propellor which I shall create from scrap metal scored from the now-redundant fuel tank, thus also making Skipper an eco-friendly transportation choice and possibly bringing world-wide renown and a documentary collaboration with Leonardo DiCaprio.  This propellor will also be of a daisy-shaped design so that it is pretty.

Tires from Spike shall be revamped to act as emergency flotation devices in the event of a man-overboard situation. 

Should the rain ever cease (hah), my work shall not be in vain, as Skipper’s canvas roof will be transformed to act both as a shelter during inclement weather and also as a sail should the sun ever decide to appear.

I shall use my subliminal psychic powers and my innate sense of cool to convince the rest of the world that frizzy hair is as awesome as it gets. 

I will pretend that I am Holly Golightly in the final scene of Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  Being wet is poignant, endearing, dramatic and poetic. 

I will also commence construction of a massive rainbarrel to collect and filter our clean(ish) Canadian rain, which I will then sell to the Americans as drinking water at an outrageously marked-up price.

So go ahead, Ye Gods.  Melt the icecaps.  Destroy the levees.  Bring it on.  I can take you.

   

This is only the beginning.

Published in: on August 29, 2008 at 4:52 am  Leave a Comment  
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