Last Will and Testament

No, no, no, I’m not dying (not that I know of, anyway, not right away…of course, we’re all dying, technically, slowly, if you really think about it…..but I ramble.) 

I’m not planning to kick it anytime soon, but I do participate in rather…extreme…adventures, so I figured it would be best to announce my wishes, just in case. 

In the event of my demise, I, Andrea Lauren Hepburn-MacMillan, being of (*mmffft*) sound mind, do hereby announce, request and bequeath the following:

A)  The creation of any posthumous Facebook/Internet sites that contain any of the following shall result in immediate and torturous haunting by me, the deceased, along with any demons I befriend in the Afterlife:   

  • Photoshopped photos of me superimposed with angels, crosses, hazy images of Jesus, puppies, teddy bears, clouds, rainbows, hearts, doves, praying hands, sunsets, candles, religious scripture or other cheesy sayings/poems, or just random pictures of random flowers or other things that have nothing to do with me;
  • Comment boards where multitudes of freaks who have never met me can post things like ads for penile implants, nasty/weird remarks or start fights with other people posting nasty/weird remarks.

B)  Immediately upon my passing – and I mean IMMEDIATELY – all journals and computer hard drives (and all associated digital storage media, including floppy disks, CD-ROMs and flash drives) should be confiscated and placed in the possession of one of the following persons:  Keri T., Tami T. or Nicole S.  They will know what to do.  Under NO circumstances is the mother of the deceased to be permitted access to the premises until this has been done.

C)  Cats should be distributed equally among the first arrivals at the funeral service, who should be advised that upkeep expenses will likely be somewhat diminished initially by lowered appetites due to feeding on the face of the deceased.

D)  Though I have donated my cadaver to science, there will likely be remains to be dealt with, as there is probably not much worth harvesting (unless for curiosity’s sake) – eyes are nearly blind, lungs blackened from 20 years of smoking, liver is likely fucked, too…  So whatever is left after they chop it up should be incinerated and offered to the sky in a memorial skydive by whoever is up to it.  (And no chemically treated, tacky satin-lined, overpriced casket, please.)

E)  Bequeathed to the following:

  • Keri T. – all incriminating photographic evidence involving flashing of illicit body parts, sexual experimentation, vandalism, or drunken-disorderliness; all disco-themed Christmas ornaments; 1 faux-suede overnight bag; any alcohol/chocolate contained in my estate.
  • Tami T. – any Jane Austen volumes found in my library, along with all Nabokov volumes (to balance out the effects of the Jane Austen); all cute shoes and ‘skinny’ clothes that fit.
  • Nicole S. – the nearly-finished original illustrations for the children’s books written by her, along with permission for her 6 year old son to complete them; and nothing else because it would all be covered in cat hair and send her into anaphylactic shock.
  • To the Ex(es) – any nude photos secretly saved for potential blackmail purposes and then forgotten about.  (*Just kidding!* …I sold those on eBay long ago…*No, seriously, I’m kidding.  Really.*)

The remainder should be sold at a big yard sale (likely held by my mother) and the proceeds used for a huge drunk in honour of the deceased. 

P.S.  I’m really serious about the Facebook page.  It will mean a world of pain.  A world.  Of pain.

Now, although I am dubious of the legality of this post, I believe it is customary for witnesses to attest to my sanity, so if you believe (*mmmfffftttt*) me to be of sound mind and all that jazz, please make your mark below.  (What, no takers?  None?  Nobody?  Anybody…???)

Published in: on August 3, 2008 at 3:09 am  Comments (4)  
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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. OK. To be clear, I AM NOT attesting to any amount of sanity that the above declares.

    Bids on any incriminating media may commence the millisecond the above is deceased.

    Incinerated remains will be rolled and smoked.



  2. Okay – I changed my mind. I like your idea better.

  3. I can attest that Andrea is as sane as she ever was. Interpret that anyway that you wish. I started out a little jealous that someone is getting the Jane Austen besides me, then I remembered I already have all the Austen one person requires. And I would seriously have to sanitise anything that came out of your cat infested living quarters.

    Terribly flattered to be remembered in your cyberwill.

    Your mother may well have everything in a yardsale before your even nibbled on.

  4. “C) Cats should be distributed equally among the first arrivals at the funeral service, who should be advised that upkeep expenses will likely be somewhat diminished initially by lowered appetites due to feeding on the face of the deceased.”

    I apologize in advance that I will not be attending said funeral service, but per chance that I do out of guilt and guilt alone, I will unfashionably late.

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