On the Courting Rituals of the Male Maritimer*

A few tips for you gents:

  •  Find out if the girl you are trying to woo is a vegetarian or not before attempting to impress her with your hunting prowess.  This includes bird hunting, deer hunting or (seriously, I mean, come on) BEAR hunting.
  • It is not cool to park in a girl’s driveway at three in the morning with your lights off, trying to look in her bedroom window.
  • If a girl very politely tells you that she is not interested, please do not phone her 800 times a day, every day for three months, trying to convince her otherwise.  Because then her best friend will get sick of hearing about it and will hunt you down and kick your ass.  She really will.
  • An invitation should consist of more than two words.  It’s just lazy – and that does not bode well for the sex.  If you must use only two words, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of choosing those two words very carefully.  Again, come on.  Seriously. 
  • Try not to get so drunk while getting ready for a date that you pass out on your kitchen floor and miss the date altogether.  Three times in a row.  You’re really just not that cute.  Trust me on this.
  • Try to vary the vegetation you bring the girl as a gift.  While a baggie full of weed is very thoughtful, every now and then you could shake it up and bring, say, flowers or  a nice potted plant.
  • Spell-check.  Use it.   

*  This article is purely hypothetical and any resemblance to men that the author has dated, messed around with, had one-night stands with or has merely been stalked by is entirely coincidental.

Published in: on July 29, 2008 at 9:01 pm  Comments (4)  
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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Wow.. your post scares me, and also makes me LOL because I have also had some very similar experiences in the dating game. Makes a gal really wanna give up on men altogether and become a lesbian.

  2. To Mindy:

    Do you really think chicks would do it much better? I mean, think about it……

    You’d spend the night telling her “No, really, you’re not fat at all!”

  3. To Keri:

    That’s all we do now. At least if we were gay, we’d be getting laid for it.

  4. To Keri:

    You’re absolutely right. I need to think before I act… not that I was seriously considering declaring myself a lesbian or anything. No, really. I wasn’t.

    The horrors!

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